From the very first time I laid eyes on you I’ve had trouble breathing.

I couldn’t even see your face. The room was dark. You walked in, sat down

my heart stood up.

Ever since

I hold my breath when you walk into the room.

I hold my breath if I walk into a room and you’re there.

I’m hoping you’ll notice me…      Hoping you WON’T notice me, because I’m suddenly aware that I HATE my clothes and hair.

I shoulda worn eyeliner…

I never wear eyeliner.

I look away like I don’t care.

                I look away so I can’t see you not seeing me,

or  seeing me

Either way it’s painful

either way I wish I wasn’t there.

I pretend not to see you

Because aloof is sexy

Because I don’t know what to say

      or how to be

I can’t be myself   ’cause…

I can’t remember who that is.

I’m so excited to see you.

I’m sure you don’t feel the same way.    Then you approach me.      Smiling.

-Damn-

You saw me.

You give me a long hug, far too long to be platonic. Far too long to hold my breath.

Long enough to be patronizing.

I shoulda worn something sweet smelling

So you would remember.

I just want to know that you think of me without being reminded.

It would almost be too much if you liked me back.

I couldn’t imagine…

It would be the first time.

Somebody

                          -liked me back.

8/26/12

Time is infinite, and relative and subjective. You can’t touch it but you can feel it. It can be the longest 15 minutes of your life or the week that seems to fly by. So why then do we invest so much trust in an entity so fickle?

We procrastinate, deliberate, wait, and delay all based on our belief that we have so much time and opportunity. There may be other opportunities in time but the next one is going to be different from the previous.

My question is what are we waiting for?

The better timing, more money, mental readiness, or perfect situation may not come any time soon and when it does come will the same job, person, item or  other relevant situation still be available now that you’re ready? Not likely.

But then again what’s the rush?

I fear making a hasty decision based on my belief about the elusiveness of the perfect situation. I have passed up jobs, and home buying opportunities thinking I could find something better and I have lingered too long in miserable relationships hiding behind the fear of starting over or letting go only to find something worse.

Fortunately every sunrise for me brings wisdom and I have witnessed firsthand the beauty and perfection of time. Things fall into perfect alignment for me and I live my life without regrets. I have the perfect job for me, live in the perfect house in the perfect neighborhood, have the perfect balance of friends, and absolutely no regrets about past relationships that are exactly where they should be, in the past.

I also have no need to wonder about love that never was. The rhythmic balance of my life has been so consistent and my interaction with people happens in such perfect time, if love didn’t happen- it wasn’t supposed to.

I am by no means anyone’s definition of spontaneous. I write lists, make plans, and think things through. Shampoo, rinse, repeat. But I am sentimental about the value of the fleeting nature of certain situations so every now and then I’ll seize the opportunity to do something against my norm knowing that this opportunity will not present itself in this way again. I am always grateful for the experiences I have when I allow myself to just live and enjoy the ride.

It is within these experiences that I live my authentic self.

I learned a long time ago that people have a very low threshold beyond which they are not open to what they perceive as criticism or anything disagreeable to their current belief system. I also believe that few lives are changed by my personal opinion so I don’t share it freely. In fact I absolutely hate it when someone says “People can’t take me because I keep it real”-or- “Don’t talk to me if you don’t want to hear the truth”-or- “People can’t handle the truth”.

When in fact what these people have to say is nothing more than just their honest opinion.

**NEWS FLASH**

Your honest opinion is not someone else’s truth.

I’ll say it again in case someone missed it.

YOUR HONEST OPINION IS NOT SOMEONE ELSE’S TRUTH.

I rarely tell people exactly how I feel about them or something they said or did, partly because I need time to analyze whether it’s worth saying and what would be the outcome of me mentioning it (It’s called thinking before I speak). But mostly I bite my tongue because I believe what I think of others is none of their business.

If I have a problem with someone, it’s MY problem.

I am not trying to nor am I interested in changing anyone. I figure if the behavior bothers me that much then I should limit my exposure to it. Easy.

It doesn’t mean we’re not friends it means I take responsibility for my own feelings and behavior.

All this brings me to question whether or not I’m really a good friend.  If I consider myself a good friend should I share my opinion or observation of a friend’s bad behavior even if I know my opinion is  above that threshold and wouldn’t be well received if even received at all?

I see no point in arguing with someone when it’s only going to upset one or both of us.  Some people are able to vent, get things off their chest, let it go, and forget about it, I on the other hand don’t let things go that easily. If something is said or done that rubs me the wrong way it’s going to stick with me.

They might be rubber but I am definitely glue…

I can try to forget it and move on but it’s always there… lurking in my subconscious… waiting for me to be reminded of it the next time the behavior shows up and once again be completely and thoroughly aggravated or upset. To which my response is usually to fall back into solitary observation mode.

What do I really have to gain by telling a friend “I disagree with that” if that particular behavior is a part of their overall character?

I’m not interested in trying to change the personality of that person and I’d rather have a root canal than engage in argument for argument’s sake. I make a concerted effort to accept people for who they are and not who I want them to be. And anyway, changing someone would be feat of sorcery and last I checked Hogwarts wasn’t taking applications.

Am I somehow a bad friend by not sharing my (unsolicited) “honest” opinion with someone who is very confident that their behavior is justified and looks to me for acceptance and validation? Even if the behavior in question directly affects me? Do I condone the mis-behavior with my silence? And if I see  limiting myself to exposure by not spending as much time talking or hanging out with that person as the solution to spare myself the hurt, aggravation or anger then are they a bad friend for me?

Unfortunately relationships whether friendly, familial or romantic do not fit in a neat little box that can be easily understood by reading a Wikipedia entry or watching a lifetime movie. People are wonderfully different and every relationship should have its own definition and set of rules to best suit the individuals involved. I think it is an invitation to disappointment to approach each and every relationship with the same narrow minded expectations.  We should spend more time evaluating each situation, how we fit into it and recognize what works and what doesn’t. A few moments of reflection and it should quickly become apparent that what works in one situation will be completely different from what works in another.

Sometimes we are in a position to receive, and sometimes our purpose is to give. It’s not always going to be equal but at some point it should balance out.

Fortunately for me I have complete creative freedom to define where that balance lies for me.

I usually do a really good job of being in complete emotional control.

Cool as a fan. Miss Independent. Janet Jackson.

So I’m having a hard time accepting that there are things about me that are out of my grasp of control. Even in times of emotional turmoil I  allow myself to completely submit to the feeling whether its anger, sadness, pity, etc  and that helps me purge it from my system quicker. A day or two of surrender then I put an “H” on my chest and handle it and I’m back to being Janet.

But this is not normal.

This snuck up on me like a sucker punch. There I was minding my own business enjoying the freedom of my “I’m sick of men” phase and BAM, out of nowhere, I saw his face, my heart skipped, my eyes glossed over and my mind was wiped clean of all knowledge and rational thought. And this was just a picture, a two-dimensional image with no name and no personality. I didn’t actually make his acquaintance until a year later and it’s been an emotional bipolar coaster ever since.

This is more than just a “crush”, this is love . I’m uncertain about many things, this is not one of them.

I’ve fallen in love and I can’t get up.

I’m not saying it was love at first sight, let’s not get carried away now!  It started out as a vague wisp of interest. A raised eyebrow. A gentle breeze of intrigue that slowly wrapped around me like a boa constrictor, suffocated the sense outta me and said with a breathy whisper in my ear – “You can try to fight it but you’ll never win”.

Well I did fight it, tooth and nail. I’ve tried to shake it, I tried writing it off as boredom, tried reasoning with it, tried talking myself out of it.  It was no use, I am powerless against it.

Unrequited love, what a stupid phrase. Instead it should be called “Insane desire for the unattainable”.

I thought it would help to talk about it but I was afraid of being judged, picked on or told “Cheri you can do better”, “What do you see in him?”, “Cheri you deserve better than that”, “You know better than that”, “You need to put some space between the two of you”,  “Snap out of it Cheri, you’re a smart rational girl”, “You know it’s a bad idea”, “Stop feeling that way” (my favorite).

All the exact things my girlfriends said to me when I decided to try and talk to them to ease some of my suffering. Thanks girls.

But after the lecturing and barrage of clichés I’m still left in turmoil.  Unfortunately I’m not a robot or an inanimate electronic device. I’m a flesh and blood, bundle of nerves and emotion, human being with real feelings that don’t turn on and off with a switch or a voice command. What I really needed to hear was that I’m not crazy and that there’s nothing wrong with me. Love is not a choice.

And no, I can’t just discard him and hope that with time and space the feeling will pass. We’re actually friends and good friends are hard to come by.

I am in full agreement that I deserve for someone to fall head over heels for me, sweep me off my feet with an urgency and carry me away quickly so that no one else has the chance. And I told myself I would not settle for less than that, I’m definitely worth it.

I’ve traveled a long road to become a self-assured, confident, no nonsense young woman. I know my value and I will absolutely not tolerate any abuse or disrespect. I always thought this depth of emotion happened at a conscious level with the participant’s full consent. But no one ever warned me about this.

I have a very real need to understand and know things which goes hand in hand with my need to be in control. Romantic love is something I constantly struggle with. My efforts to gain control over something that defies definition have been as successful as holding on to smoke with both hands. Logic and reason makes me feel better so I turned to Science for a good solid intellectual explanation. The best I could come up with is that the brain of someone in love mirrors the brain activity of someone dealing with addiction.

Great, I’m an addict.

But hey maybe that means that I should be able to get some mental health/ medical assistance for this.  This must mean there’s some kind of herb I can take to block the neurotransmitters making my brain act all crackish…

There has got to be a remedy for this thing where my brain (or heart) suddenly decides  that I miss him and all of a sudden I get this ache from my throat to my sternum, like a choking- panicked- urgency that dissolves the very second I see his face.

He sends me a friendly text message and my sense of reason (and my sense of self control) dissipates like the smoke I can’t seem to hold on to.  And even though I know its madness, that text message confirms for me that no matter how brief or fleeting

in those few seconds,

he was actually thinking of me.

I’ve gone back and forth between deciding to relax, give in and enjoy the ride, to trying to concentrate, listen and learn the lesson, to agonizing at the realization that it’s going to be next to impossible to find peace in loving someone who has no idea how I feel and certainly doesn’t reciprocate the feeling.      Damn elusive smoke plasma.

I think there is a safety that draws me to men out of my reach. I am free to love fully and completely without the threat of heartbreak or disappointment. The only threat is that the object of my affection will likely eventually meet someone he is actually romantically attracted to. Though this may hurt a little, it won’t be heart breaking because there will be no direct anger, sadness or pain caused by the failure of a relationship only the disappointment of rejection. A feeling that I am no stranger to. And because I love unconditionally I’ll be okay with this because I want for his happiness. Friendship is more important.

Ahhh there’s my control back safely within my reach. Ms. Ashwood if you nasty.

I had considered that my behavior may be some sort of commitment phobia self-sabotage based on the idea that if I invest myself in someone out of my reach I am in no real danger of it not working out because if it never starts it can’t end. Right?

OR do I subconsciously like the challenge?

Nah, I’ve never been one to use self-sabotage as a coping mechanism for fear, nor am I in any way shape or form a thrill seeker. I’m neither spontaneous nor adventurous, in fact I get enough of an adrenaline rush  from a good book, a good movie, a sense of accomplishment when I complete a task,  when he smiles at me… the sincere look in his eyes when he’s listening to me speak… the vibration of his voice… the electric thrill of his touch…

Wait, what was I saying?